Angie: The True Cobra Songfic
by winkipop
Summary: The True Story based on the Cobra Starship song 'Angie.' Really :D


**Title:**___Angie: The True Cobra Story_  
**Rating: **MA15+  
**Disclaimer: **Me have no money, you no sue, me likey your band very much! :D  
**Summary: **_'Oh, Angie/ well Gabe came/and he wrote/this song saying/about how he knew you/Oh __Mandy __Angie!_

_Every Cobra fan knows the song 'Angie.' Everyone thinks 'Angie' is about some random ho Gabe fell in love with and wrote a song about, begging her to 'say no more' and probably to keep making booty calls with him every now and then 'cos let's face it, the man has a rampant libido the fucking size of the Grand Canyon!_

Anyway, that's _not_ what 'Angie' is about. Well, it _does_ involve Angie, but not in the way you think. Here is the unauthorised and uncut retelling of the story not endorsed or even heard of by Cobra Starship, Mr Saporta, Decaydance, Fuelled By Ramen, President Obama, Snoopy, and anyone else that needs to be acknowledged (and I guess Pete Wentz as well since he seems to own bloody everything!)

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Angie Brown-Smith-Jones was your average teenage girl who had it all: money, friends, social life, clothes, bouncy, voluminous hair, and unbelievably perky boobs. She even had the cute rockstar boyfriend. That would be _that_ guy. His name was Gabriel, and he sang and played bass in some band called Midtown. He also had a great head of hair and could speak Spanish, reducing girls to tears, to jelly and to strangely have magically spontaneous orgasms. Angie could _not_ have had it better, the _bitch..._

Whilst being serenaded by Gabriel in her bedroom at precisely 3:04pm, Angie sighed and swooned and did all the shit we'd do if we all got the chance to be serenaded by Gabe...'sigh' :P

Suddenly, they were interrupted by the opening of Angie's bedroom door. The two quickly stopped before things could get a little bit more intimate, just as Gabe was planting sweet little butterfly kisses along Angie's jaw.

"Oh God, Mum?" Angie gasped, quickly reclaiming her composure as Gabe got off of her.

Angie's mum, Charlina, stood at the door, furrowing a brow and casting a stern eye upon the two lovebirds. "So, like, what's going on here?" she smirked.

"Er, nothing..." stuttered Angie.

Charlina Brown-Smith-Jones was _the_ ultimate MILF in town. With her long legs, hourglass figure, cascading blonde waves and luscious lips, she looked nothing like her 45 years suggested. Probably because she had invested a lot of Angie's trust fund into a whole overhaul of plastic surgery. Seriously, you should have seen her before, total ugmo! Think Amy Winehouse cross-bred with a cat. So much fur.

"Um, hi, Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones," murmured Gabe shyly.

"Hello to you, too, Gabriel," Charlina purred back.

Gabe couldn't help but notice Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones in her thigh-high tartan skirt and white peasant top that showed just how voluptuous her bountiful bosom was. And the Botox had done wonders for her face! Wait, what was he doing? This was his girlfriend's _mum_ he was getting all hot and bothered over! He had to stop.

"Mum, are you wearing my skirt again?" laughed Angie.

"What, you don't think it looks hot on me?" replied Charlina, doing a sexy little turn to show it off.

Gabe wanted to say 'yes, indeed,' to that question, but, of course, his girlfriend (who just happened to be the daughter of the woman he was perving on), was sitting next to him. Uber-awkward.

"I better go finish my work-out on the ThighMaster," Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones cooed in her trademark seductive voice. "I'll leave you two _alone_" She then closed the door behind her.

Angie rolled her eyes and giggled. "Isn't my mum, like, sooooo weird?" she trilled.

"Uh, yeah. Totally." In actual fact, Gabe felt like he was about to have a raging boner over Angie's mum any moment now...

"So, where were we, lover?" Angie whispered. She then proceeded to kiss Gabe rather passionately, pinning him down on her bed. However, Gabe was imagining someone else pinning him down...

Gabe knocked on the door of the Brown-Smith-Jones household, almost bouncing on the spot in anticipation. Not over Angie, mind you. Her mum was so achingly hot and he had always fancied a little cougar action!

The door opened. Standing there in a hot pink halter-neck top and Daisy Duke hot-pants was Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones herself.

Oh God, please do _not_ get a boner now...

"Hi, Gabriel..." Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones greeted, her boobs almost in his face.

"Um, hey..." His mouth felt so dry. "Uh...is Angie home?"

"No, she's out shopping. But _you_ can come in, if you want."

Gabe knew he shouldn't, but he found himself obliging before he knew it, already following Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones inside.

He took a seat on the couch, stiffly, nervously in one place, almost uncomfortable.

"So, what part of Mexico do you hail from?" asked Mrs Brown-Jones-Smith, taking a seat opposite Gabe in a fur-lined leather chair.

"Mexico? I'm not Mexican," replied Gabe. "I'm from Uruguay originally. "It's in South America."

"Never heard of it," drawled Charlina (Oh, by the way, I'm sick of having to write 'Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones' all the damn time!)

Awkward silence followed.

"All the girls must like that," continued Charlina. "You being a Latin hottie and all..."

"Uh, I guess..." Wow, now this was _really_ uncomfortable. "I speak Spanish, too."

This piqued Charlina's interests. "Really? I consider it to be the most _sexiest_ language. Lots of _tongue_ involved..."

What was she doing? "Uh, do you think I could have a drink?"

"Sure." Charlina proceeded to strut over to her husband's famed fine liquor cabinet and took the time to mix Gabe a Margherita, making sure the process was as seductive as possible.

"Here." Charlina handed Gabe the glass and he took a sip.

"My husband's never actually here to use the cabinet, of course," began Charlina. "He's always been too busy with his high-powered job and golf and probably his hot young secretary. God knows the last time Angie's father and I actually had hot, wanton, rough, animalistic sex with one another..."

Gabe spat out the drink all over himself and the coffee table upon hearing how hard up for it Charlina was, choking and gasping for air.

"Oh no," exclaimed Charlina, although not sincerely enough, mind you. "You got your shirt _all_ wet. Here, let me take it off for you..."

"No, it's fine, really!" Gabe insisted, taking it off himself.

Charlina's eyes almost popped out of her head upon seeing the strong, virile chest of this hot, young thing. She licked her lips in approval. "The washing machine is in the laundry," she almost moaned.

Gabe walked to the laundry and threw the T-shirt in the washer. Walking back to the lounge, it seemed he was confronted right there and then with the image of Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones. Lying on the couch. In only a spandex thong. _And_ a saucy smile to match...

"Well, Gabriel?" Charlina purred. "Are you gonna take me or what?"

Gabe began panting, unable to contain himself at the sight, which was evident with the bulge in his now-tight pants. He knew he shouldn't, especially with his girlfriend's mum. But with Charlina's toned and luscious body betraying her 45 years, it was a very Mrs Robinson-esque offer indeed.

"Fuck it, "breathed Gabe, already unbuttoning his jeans and throwing them aside. He attacked Charlina with passion, kissing along her jawline to her shoulder as he sat her on his lap, straddling him.

Soon enough Gabe was fulfilling his guilty pleasure (so to speak) of ploughing Angie's mum like Grandma stuffing the Xmas turkey (Okay, not a great analogy there, I apologise... :P)

And Angie was none the wiser.

Gabe and Charlina quickly got dressed before Angie got back. A sense of shame now befell Gabe, but Angie's mum was most definitely satisfied.

"Um... We can't tell anyone about this," stuttered Gabe, now feeling the guilt.

"Of course not, Sugar," Charlina replied. "But I had fun..."

Gabe couldn't help but smile. "It _was_ pretty hot..."

After one last, long, lingering cougar kiss and a cloud of guilt and other mixed emotions hanging over his head, Gabe then left.

Their affair continued for the next three months. While Gabe played the perfect boyfriend to Angie during the day, showing her all the affection he could to cover his guilty conscience, by night he was having the best sex he could ever get during his horny high school years with Charlina away from prying eyes as Angie conveniently attended Bible study and her father either out of town on business or boning his secretary between the filing cabinet and, in a darkly comic irony, the sexual harassment awareness poster.

After yet another sex marathon with Charlina, Gabe lay next to her in her marital bed, staring at the ceiling in sheer amazement and wonder. God, this woman _knew_ things. She was fantastic, especially when it came to using a stick of butter, a sock puppet and a ball of twine, Gabe's personal favourite trick. But it's much too dirty to print here. Let's just say it's only legal to do in Sweden...

Make of that what you will.

"Gabe, honey," Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones breathed dreamily. "I just had an idea. But...I don't know how we'll ever go through with it."

"What is it, _querida_?" Gabe asked, twirling a piece of Charlina's hair extensions around his finger.

"Well I think we should... elope to Mexico!"

Gabe sharply sat up. "What? You mean..._marry?_ But your husband..."

"Oh, I've been unhappy for so long!" Charlina cried melodramatically. "I want to be with only you forever and ever and ever, my beautiful Latin hottie!"

This was all so much so soon. Gabe had to think it over...for a microsecond! "Yes! Yes! I _will_ marry you!"

And so, things culminated yet again in a full-on, hardcore shag session. And to celebrate, Charlina brought out the special occasion whips and chains, which certainly got a work-out indeed, especially with a naked and bound Gabe chained to the bed, watching as Charlina rode him like she was in the Kentucky Derby and swinging the chain above her head. Life could not have been kinkier for the two.

But little did they know, all was about to be uncovered...

*************************

The night before eloping, Gabe and Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones were soaping one another up in the Jacuzzi out back. Her husband wasn't due back from the liquor store for another three hours and Angie was at her friend Sarah's house. They could enjoy their forbidden bliss in peace.

"So, like, maybe you could come with me on the next Midtown tour," Gabe suggested, washing Charlina's back. "I think the other guys would dig a cougar on board..."

"That'd be hot," Charlina moaned as the cool water ran down her back. "I haven't blown a roadie since I went to see Motley Crue back in '86."

Gabe began kissing down her neck, little nips and love bites here and there. "Mmm... _Muy caliente_!"

But, alas, all good things must come to an end...

"Charlina?"

"Mum?"

The two were confronted with both amazingly arriving at the _exact_ same time, Mr Brown-Smith-Jones and Angie. Both looked beyond horrified, with Mr Brown-Smith-Jones looking rather wasted and seedy, the Southern Comfort practically reeking off his skin.

"You slut!" he slurred. "You're _fucking_ this loser? Why?"

"It's not what it looks like!" Gabe exclaimed, albeit with a naked Charlina still sitting in his lap. Of course, it's _always_ exactly what it looks like.

"Gabe...You're _doing_ my mum?" Angie cried. Tears immediately sprang from her sweet hazel eyes, full of hurt and uncertainty.

Gabe quickly jumped out of the Jacuzzi, naked and wet and dangling all about the place (:P), racing after Angie. "Angie, baby, please!" he begged. "Your mum seduced me! She was so hot and so sexy and one thing led to another and for the last three months I've been banging your mum every chance I've gotten!"

However, instead of dwelling upon it, Angie got even. She picked up a stray, strategically-placed 2X4 and proceeded to whack Gabe across the back of the head with it. Gabe fell to the ground like a steaming sack of shit, and continued slamming the 2X4 into him amid his howls of pain, which only made Angie more even determined and spurred her on.

Angie's father soon joined in, along with a couple of other neighbours. The rest of the neighbourhood decided to pull up some deckchairs, got some beer and corn chips and enjoyed the free and entertaining show, with some even yelling 'Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!' Spontaneous street-fights are fun!

All Charlina could do was watch on at the carnage she had created...

The next day, battered and bruised and possibly missing a kidney that disappeared somehow during the fight, Gabe felt he should return to see Charlina to clear up a few things. Angie had not only dumped his arse, but she, along with the rest of the neighbourhood and her drunken father, had given him a ghetto beating he soon wouldn't forget.

As he walked up the front steps sheepish and forlorn, Gabe knocked on the door.

No answer.

Gabe turned the knob and the door slowly opened. He slowly walked inside and upstairs, knowing he would find Charlina in the bedroom. Maybe they could have a bout of break-up sex if he was lucky! God, will he _ever_ learn?

"Charlina, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and..."

But as Gabe opened the bedroom door, it revealed behind it a rather tawdry image indeed. Charlina was in bed with _another_ piece of jailbait! The very next day!

"Charlina?" Gabe gasped.

"Gabriel?" Charlina quickly pulled the covers around herself. And coming out from under the covers was a familiar face from Gabe's algebra class, who happened to be someone else who would be playing music in the future, some guy named...John Mayer?

"Oh my God, you're already doing someone _else_?" Gabe asked, disbelieved. "After just _one_ day? With the douchebag outta my _algebra class?_"

"Sorry, honey, I can't be tamed," Charlina justified. "Besides, he _loves_ cougars!"

All Gabe could do was run away from the house screaming like a little bitch, crying and snuffling and sobbing uncontrollably until he finally passed out at the nearby park, later pissed on by a local dog...

And so, you should know what happened after that vividly specific retelling. Gabe was never the same again: he left Midtown, ran into the desert, hallucinated about some cobra after finding a peyote patch and then felt compelled to create the super-duper Cobra Starship, later celebrating in Mexico where he accidentally married Patrick Stump in a bunny suit, much to Pete's sadness :P

After beating Gabe to a bloody pulp, Angie's fighting skills were soon recognised. Driven by her extreme hatred, bloodlust and traumatic experience (including night terrors), she became a famed cage fighter in The Ukraine, becoming the country's No.3 fighter after Mataveski Mataveski and Ulgar the Lizardman. Meanwhile, Angie's dad has officially been one day sober and the other 26,376 days before that drunk, and Mrs Brown-Smith-Jones changed her name to Sarah Palin and became Governor of Alaska.

John Mayer later became one of the biggest douchebags in music after James Blunt and Chad Kroeger (and you might as well throw Ryan Ross on that list, too), and is still satisfying his love of cougars with Jennifer Aniston, Madonna and Betty White :P He also made a pornographic movie version of his non-hit 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' starring Tom Cruise in the money shot. He may also be carrying crabs.

Hey, this _really_ happened, people! Ask Gabe! He recited the whole thing to me over chicken wings and copious amounts of beer at Hooters, I swear on your cat! Although he _did_ tell me not to tell anyone else...

Everyone here can keep a secret, right?


End file.
